OK!....Here I am through thick and thin....
whether I feel good or not.
Coaches teaching today was on excuses.
You know....there's such a battle in my will concerning all this!
When I joined (in two seconds) after I saw the webpage, I got into it not realizing what I had ahead of me, except I had a sense it was something that was going to be fun and perhaps life improving!
BUT.....
There are some realities here about the way I access the motivation to change anything....and whats going on here.
The Will is very strong. I realize that if Im inspired to make a "global" change in my life...like going to a gym.....THEN I am more than willing (eventually) to change the
smaller things...like how I snack...drink water, watch TV.....visit my friends.
If Im smoking and slugging around...there's noreason to drink water or be healthy....because the total picture doesn't support small incremental changes.
I see it's really hard to just change things with no emotional reason, with no belief that there will be a payoff or an improvement.
It seems like in reality, little changes are like little bandaids while Im bleeding to death all over my body!
It seems like addiction and bad attitudes
are life consuming and life numbing!
If Coach sent a guy here with a gun or a whip, and threatened me with real pain or urgency, then I might make a new pledge, but it's sitting here slowly contemplating a total life upheaval.....a totally new direction, from the top to the bottom thats blowing my mind!
I also see that there are BIG negative things that make change more difficult...like realizing that if I don't stop the hugely numbing
reality of addiction in my life...that I won't be making any real changes anyway!
If in the simplest terms, people move towards pleasure, and away from pain to make changes, I would have to see my behavior in the biggest sense as life damaging and as a roadblock to any real change.
OK...so except for the fact that I'm here enjoying the smaller pleasures of being here like the cheers, boosts,, friendships, etc etc....I am struggling with the fact that there's a breakthrough coming in my soon to be future in the BIG things!
My stay here is becoming a little bit more of a "crisis" every day.....growing stress to confront the white knuckle death grip I have on what I THINK is holding me together....
self medicating with pot, and wasting my life visiting with others whose lifestyles are the opposite of what I really want to do with my life, including my new girlfriend.....
So...instead of drinking water and clapping my hands and uttering something only...my whole life is slowly but surely coming to a crisis point with BIG issues......sweeping 'life surgeries" that will change the very warf and woof of everything.....again!
I'm so tired of changing big huge things, but not staying the course.
Im in my own way!
I joined a church that required giving everthing up once, and left after 6 months, only to return again later.
After 10 years and a marriage gone bad....I was out smoking and partying again......only to go back again to the relationship!
I broke up with my "gf" many timethose years, insisting that I was always hurt there, only to go back again over and over again!
Then back to the church, and I left after a few months again.
Then leave again, get back with the girl, and leave her again after another wasted year!
It's time to have a reference point...an image of myself as a whole......what sort of life do I REALLY want to build?
What directions do I want to build in that will stay, because its how I really feel?
Do I have the patience to not go with the first girl I meet, instead of actually "choosing" the right girl according to what I know about myself? I dont think men choose very well anyway...I think go for the obvious payoffs without really asking themselves.....
"Is this girl my type?
"Do I like her style of communicating, loving, working, and dealing emotionally?"
I KNOW what I want...but do I really LOOK for it?
Am I ever PROACTIVE for me? With the real ME that I've grown to know all these years?
Aaaah....I know what Im trying to say......I know what I have to do. I feel like I'm about to give birth to a new breakthrough....
perhaps I need to go back to a 12 step group for a while...I dont know....but this
is for the birds.
Im certainly suffering!
Im literrally living check to check....frequently starving to eat one meal a day instead of three.
I skirt the line of eviction every month, and Im just not seeing any work come in this year like in other years!
People are definitely holding back.
It's so strange too, because I have such high ratings from my customers!
Im even out here in western mass because of my past...but if I lived on the eastern side of the state, perhaps Id have more work because Id be around much more population!
Do I even have to move?
Hmmmmmmm?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last night my girlfriend was a little tipsy, and as we left her house to come to my house, she announced that she might have to move to a place that was far away, and about a job she might be able to get.
She has recieved an eviction notice recently.
It wouldve been impossible to see her but once a week out there... so I said...."Oh well...See ya Later!" It hurt a bit that she would consider being away from me without considering me in the equation!
After we got in the house she was silent for a while....then it came out that she thought that ...."if I could so easily leave her by saying that...then she was upset and she packed everything up and left....as I asked her what I was supposed to do?
Was I supposed to move and blend my life into hers?
I asked her to stop talking about this while she was drunk....it wasnt real or profitable.
She left and walked home alone.
I can tell im in for pain, break up, changes, upheaval, and recovery!
I can tell Im in for huge change.
Before her I had a clean house, daily chores, and I was practicing music and working on the net, getting things done!
Now Im here with you.
Im sad, despondent, and frustrated!
Im capable of so much better than all this!
I deserve so much more than I am treating myself to!
My style of Loving is too good for this kind of living....this style of relationship.
Im in my own way though!
ME
I cant believe I have to go to work and produce today! I'd like to just rest and get some perspective.
Im all tuckered out. Emotionally Spent.
But, when I woke, I smiled, and clapped my hands and proclaimed the day.....and I looked forward to sitting down to Tools and being with my understanding buddies!
While there's Breathe, There's Hope!
comments
wow
Lots of stuff here. You seem confused about your centre, and you are wriggling about the exterior, trying to sort everything out at once. Stay with Tools. There are some really good ideas here and it is one small step you can take to make things better. Small steps are better than big ones for life change. Use the famous law of accumulation to make it work....
oh, and by the way
Sounds like your girlfriend is in as desperate a situation as you and wanted to talk about it. Instead of listening, you made it about you. Some work needed here.
great
hey ive been there done that,right now im choosing not to date anyone. because i want to be certain of the next relationship that it is well rounded mutual and respectful. i imagine i will wait for a sign from above, because i have been hurt and have hurt too many times .but hang in there i believe we are both on the right trackand will somehow find our true path with the help of a few dozen friends
break down-break through
Sounds like you are ready for a breakthrough (after a break down??).
Tools and the Twelve Step Programs work because you take one day at a time. Perhaps you could do both programs while you get centered and strong again.
Surrender to your Higher Power, listen to your inner voice and take one step, one day, one tool at a time.
Be willing to loose every"thing" but not yourSELF. No person or situation can make you happy or unhappy... only you can find the strength, the courage, and the answers you seek... inside your self.
Know that within you there is infinite potential... to heal, grow and make better choices .
Remember you have the Tools community to support your every step, every tool and every moment along the way.
This WILL pass... come on you can DO IT-!!
Onward in Joy,
Susan/so2u
3 simple "rules"
stay with tools,
trust the Coach,
take little steps.
you need to find the strength within yourself. and you have to trust yourself.
I have confidence in you: I am sure you can break through.
there are good days and bad days.
but tomorrow will still be there, full of possibilities.
and we will be all there to cheer you.
stay with us
trust the coach
take little steps...